Productive

I have been rolling around with something in my head since someone brought it up the other day. 

I was telling them about my day, and my day for me felt super lazy and relaxed, and they noted how productive I'd been throughout the day. 

And since then, I have been really trying to figure out why I was so hard on myself about being productive. Why I felt like I wasn't doing enough, I feel like I struggle to let go of the reins and have very little to do.  Relaxing feels like a sin.

But there is also another part of me that thinks about the things I was doing, and they were all regarding tweaking something, making something, planning SOMETHING new with my business.

I felt invigorated to be in a creative space and living and manifesting my daily life. Imagine all the ways, I will get to spend in freedom and work with my heart and really help people. 

So internally, I am so torn. Do I keep working and follow that weekend momentum, or do I rest more because I truly don't know what it means to slow down?

I can't say all this productive energy hasn't felt good. Resting feels good too! 

I have so much I want to do. So much I want to accomplish. 

But maybe just the fact that I am spending my time how I want to is relaxing to me. 

Hmm. I kinda walked away from this post for a bit and realized that this is just how I relax. I spend so much of my adult life following someone else's rules and listening to trivial complaints in my workspace. That getting to just live in my passion and pick it up and put it down at a pace that feels organic and not just a constant fluctuation. 

Getting to think about this; I feel free in that space. I am going to take the ease of productive nature it brings and roll with it. 

Being a healing hyper independent ex-people-pleaser, sometimes I struggle to know what's too much for me. I am great at tapping in and seeing what others need to heal something deep within them and level up a bit. But for me, sometimes it feels a little fuzzy. Maybe I don't lean on my community enough. I think I am doing that now. Giving myself space. 

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Thank you for witnessing this space. Even if it doesn't make sense lol