Learning How to Set Boundaries

I know it can be tough to get in the groove of setting boundaries.

Learning how to set boundaries is really tough. Especially when you come from a people pleasing background.

We have a lot of wounds around attachment and abandonment and want to feel loved and adored by the people we care about.

We just have to take a step back and ask ourselves... " Are we doing this because we want to, or because I am scared that if I don't they won't love me as much or be upset with me. "

Taking that first step into learning how to set boundaries is asking yourself that question. It may be something that starts after you are already doing the thing you are regretting saying yes to.

That's okay. And that's perfect. Interrupting your previous thought patterns with new ones is the very first step in making change. You will notice that you start to think of that question sooner and sooner and eventually you will start to ask yourself before you even give a response to a loved one.

This can sound like "Let me think about it over night and get back to you" "Maybe, let me check some things and get back to you in a bit" " I am not sure, when do you need an answer by?"

Starting to frame these questions really help with starting to learn boundaries and learn the importance of doing what you want to do, instead of doing what you feel like you are expected to do.

Doing what you are expected to do is known as "People Pleasing".

People pleasing can be described as a person who feels a strong urge to please others, even at their own expense. They may feel that their wants and needs do not matter or alter their personality around others.

Breaking the habit of pleasing people can be very difficult. As children we did it to connect and bond with our caretakers as it was probably the only way they would give us attention or affection, so as we grow we learn to continuously put our needs under the needs of the the people around us. We also tend to not ask for help and over extend ourselves because the idea of saying no feels like a reason someone will leave us. Or bring up a fear of being inadequate or having no worth.

Learning to set boundaries is understanding that that is very upside down thinking and the most important person that you need to take care of and get tasks done for is you.

Your energy is meant to be spent sustaining your life and making sure you are able to experience as much joy as possible.

Now, this isn't a bid to tell you to make a full 180 from your life and become a selfish person who no longer helps or cares for the people around them. That is NOT what I am saying at all.

My point is to take the next step toward deeper self care, asking yourself the question.

"Am I doing this because I want to?"

Now you may be asking yourself as you read this, how will I know if I am doing something for myself or if I am pleasing people?

Well lets take a look at how you feel while you do the task.

Say you have worked 6 days this week over your usual 5 and you were REALLY looking forward to catching up on some reading or tv and just being supine for a lot of the day.

But then your boss calls you and asks "Hey Jim just called out, do you think you can cover for him?"

Now take a moment. Are you at all wanting to say yes because of a fear of disappointment by not showing up for your team? Do you feel like your boss won't look at you as highly as they once did before?

Now notice how you feel in your body.

Did you tense up in your shoulders or did it get a knot in your stomach?

Notice what happens in your body when you read that example.

Can you think of any other times when you felt that way?

This will be a great start to tracking how you feel in your body and how to know when something you are doing isn't authentic to how you actually are.

Notice what your anxiety, fear, and guilt feel like so you can really know when you want to maybe take an extra breath before commiting to something. Get intune with your intuition again! It is guiding you in the right direction.

That is how you start to learn how to set boundaries.